Wrestling Wednesday - Predictions for 2013

Wrestling Wednesday…

Predictions for 2013 -- Wrestling is in Trouble

I don't know who created this image but its terrific.

With the first episode of TNA Impact airing tomorrow and something called WWE Main Event (though, according to spoilers, WWE Meh Event sounds more appropriate) airing tonight, the 2013 year in professional wrestling will officially begin. Before 2013 gets underway, here are a few predictions I have for the upcoming year.

World Wrestling Entertainment will buy out Ring of Honor Wrestling. It pains me to write this but I believe this is on the horizon. WWE is already raiding ROH of its current talent (Shelton Benjamin and Mike Bennett are in Vince’s back pocket) while keeping the internet wrestling community worshipping at his altar through the use of ROH alumni CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Seth Rollins, and Antonio Cesaro. Not only will WWE purchase ROH for the video library, WWE will also purchase the company and official gut the roster to improve their Florida territory even more in their thin-veiled attempt to put TNA Wrestling out of business.

AJ Lee will make her way through the entire roster on a special episode of RAW. By “make her way through the roster,” I mean she will not be skipping at the end of the evening. She will still annoy the hell out of me.

Tazz will finally orgasm on-air to a Velvet Sky entrance.

After appearing on television to begin 2013, Mr. Anderson will next appear on TNA television on the back of a milk carton in catering when Jeremy Borash interviews Austin Aries in July.

The following people will leave / be fired from World Wrestling Entertainment: Alex Riley, Christian, Evan Bourne, Ezekiel Jackson, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, Rey Mysterio, Ted DiBiase, Trent Baretta, Yoshi Tatsu, Eve Torres, and Layla. 

In an attempt to create a more established mid-card, WWE will rehire Shelton Benjamin, John Morrison, Mantaur, Thurman “Sparky” Plugg, Tekno Team 2000, Bart Gunn, Beaver Cleavage, Tom Brandi, and Big Dick Johnson. Attempts to rehire Crash Holly, Crush, Kanyon, Lance Cade, Test, and Umaga will go unsuccessful and lead Vince McMahon to bury all of them in a spiteful promo live on RAW. The majority of the audience will side with McMahon.

WWE will rehire Montel Vontavious Porter. Upon hearing that he has spent the last year in Japan, he will be repacked as Tensai 2: Electric Boogaloo. 

WWE will sign Brad Maxwell to a developmental deal. Upon repackaging him, Blacktop Bully, Jr. will revival “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan as the biggest draw of all-time.

TNA Wrestling will screw up the Aces and 8s storyline. Currently the most interesting angle in the business, the mystery behind who is involved in Aces and 8s continues to play itself out on TNA programming. Many rumors have the group ultimately controlled by Eric Bischoff with TNA agent D’Lo Brown as a major member. Additional members rumored to be a part of the faction include current TNA talent Garret Bischoff, Wes Brisco, Mr. Anderson, and additional newcomers to TNA such as Mike Knox and Jay Bradley. TNA can make this angle outstanding with only one revelation as the leader of the group: Jeff Jarrett. Initially targeting Sting, Jarrett could say the group started as his way of striking back at the company he founded after they cast him aside. Professional jealousy always makes for a simple-yet-effective motivation for anything in professional wrestling. Sadly, I believe TNA will eventually, in an effort to shock the audience of internet wrestling community members who will never watch TNA in the first place, reveal the leader of Aces and 8s as Bully Ray, Brooke Hogan, Sting, or Hulk Hogan because of delusion more than any other reason. 

Medics will rush to Jeff Hardy after they find him unconscious and covered in blood inside a TNA locker room. It will be a false alarm when medics find Hardy simply overdosed on red face paint and was in the middle of a pre-show nap.

Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan will feud over the right to have relations with Brooke Hogan. Upon seeing this, Vince McMahon will feud with Triple H over the rights to relations with Stephanie McMahon.

In the wake of copying Championship Thursday, Open Fight Night, and show-opening video packages from TNA Wrestling, WWE will also introduce the following: The Great Khali’s inner monologue, a division of female action featuring Ric Flair called the Ex-Division, and a Claire Lynch-inspired angle in which rumors will flourish that John Cena and Vickie Guerrero are dating only to reveal that they are helping a young woman recover from a drug addiction started after watching the last two RAWs of 2012.  

The following people will leave / be fired from TNA Wrestling: Crimson, D’Angelo Dinero, Gunner, Magnus, Rob Van Dam, Samoa Joe, Madison Rayne, Rosita, and Sarita.

As she continues to take Madison Rayne’s gimmick, Eve Torres will officially change her ring name to either Ashley Simmons or Mayodan Drizzle. 

Upon seeing the success of others with arrests for DUI in WWE, Kofi Kingston will attempt to break through the glass ceiling by accumulating multiple DUI arrests in the spring. Thinking he broke through the glass ceiling, Kingston will almost bleed to death after drunkenly stumbling through a glass wall in an office at WWE Headquarters.

Vince McMahon will finally admit that he believed “Be a Star” was a rib being played on him. Afterwards, he will mock the recent death of Jim Ross’ pet dog Slobber Knocker while wearing an Oklahoma State jersey.

WWE will continue to turn into WCW while TNA continues to turn into the WWF and ROH continues to turn into ECW. Now, I do not believe history will repeat itself 100 percent. However, the three major companies in American professional wrestling will continue to fit into these roles in 2013. World Wrestling Entertainment will have their own World Champion David Arquette moment when Dwayne Johnson becomes WWE Champion in time to promote G.I. Joe: Retaliation. In addition, WWE will continue to feature nonsensical angles and turns that goes nowhere and does nothing positive for business in the vein of WCW in 1998-2000. TNA Wrestling will fit the role of WWF in 1997-2000 in that the company will offer the best professional wrestling matches and angles. However, unlike the past, audiences will continue to be reluctant to watch anything other than WWE as the “If it’s not McMahon, it’s not wrestling” mindset continues to control the sheep of the IWC. Finally, Ring of Honor Wrestling will stay in that Extreme Championship Wrestling mold in that they will be a feeder of talent to WWE the way ECW fed WCW talent to mismanage over a decade ago.

Dolph Ziggler will finally cash in his Money in the Bank contract. Within 30 seconds of doing so, the internet wrestling community will say Ziggler is an overrated spot monkey who oversells everything.

The Miz will win an Academy Award for his performance in The Marine 3. The Slammy Award for Best Actor, however, will go to John Cena for 24 Rounds: 12 Rounds 2.

Mae Young will give birth on RAW to Hornswoggle three more times throughout the year. The father in all of those instances: Hornswoggle. 

Finally…

In a match billed as “Once in a Lifetime,” John Cena will face Dwayne Johnson at WrestleMania 29. When critics say the same thing occurred a year earlier, Vince McMahon will announce that this match is specifically for children born after April 1st, 2012 as it will be once in their lifetime.