Superstar of the Week: Superman
Nobody - real or fictional - had a better week than Clark Kent, a.k.a. Superman, did. The new Superman film, Man of Steel, opened to mixed reviews from critics and rave reviews from the majority of audiences this weekend while bringing in a June-record $113.1 million at the box office during its opening weekend. Another reboot of the Superman film franchise, Man of Steel boasted an all-star cast including Amy Adams, Kevin Costner, Russell Crowe, and Henry Cavill as Superman.
I have yet to see the movie but plan on seeing it soon. Still, the success of Man of Steel is undeniable. Man of Steel is one of the brightest spots so far for Hollywood in 2013. Audiences are leaving happy, money is being made, and a sequel is already in the works as Man of Steel appears to have launched the next big superhero film series. For a superhero I have referred to as “vanilla ice cream,” vanilla is in this week. Man of Steel is the movie and pop culture icon of the moment.
Jerk of the Week: Chad Johnson
A head-butt got him in trouble; a slap on the butt got him in jail: this is the Chad Johnson Story.
Many say Broward County Circuit Judge Kathleen McHugh overreacted when NFL free agent wide receiver Chad Johnson slapped his lawyer on the butt in a congratulatory manner following the announcement Johnson was not going to receive jail time for violating his parole in the aftermath of a domestic battery arrest in 2012. Many say McHugh’s decision to incarcerate Johnson for thirty days was a horrible abuse of judicial power. I was not among those people.
Chad Johnson married Basketball Wives reality TV star Evelyn Lozada on July 4th, 2012 after two years of dating. On August 11th, 2012, Johnson was arrested on charges on domestic battery after he allegedly head-butted his wife following an argument in the parking lot of a Davie, Florida CVS over condoms. Later that day, the Miami Dolphins released Johnson. Three days later, Lozada filed for divorce. Johnson entered a plea of no contest to misdemeanor domestic battery and avoided jail time because of an agreement between prosecutors and Lozada. Instead, Johnson received a year of probation. In May, Johnson violated his probation by failing to meet with probation officers in February and March. That is what led Johnson to being in court this past Monday when Johnson finally met a judge who said “enough is enough (it’s time for a change!).”
Johnson was going to receive more probation. He was going to cash in on his fame and fortune by skirting the grip of the law again when Judge McHugh finally had enough of Johnson’s arrogant and disgustingly privileged existence. Instead of showing a semblance of maturity, he smacked his lawyer on the butt for getting him out of a real punishment again. Johnson does not deserve 30 days in jail for smacking his lawyer’s butt. He deserves a few months of jail time for head-butting his wife a year ago.
Sadly, after a phony apology and the backlash of media members who apparently wanted to save Chad Johnson, he only served seven of the 30-day sentence for his crime. Johnson also received an additional three months of probation and 25 hours of community service. In the grand scheme of things, Johnson is still getting off light. Nevertheless, a judge finally called out one of these cocky and wealthy athletes for being a jerk in the face of authority. Even though he only served a week behind bars, it was a week more than he expected solely because of his star status. That is a good thing.
Babe of the Week: Kacey Musgraves
A Melancholy Happy Trails to…
- Al Green, 57 - American professional wrestler best known as a jobber in WCW (June 14th)
- Jason Leffler, 37 - American race car driver (June 12th)
- Richard Ramirez, 53 - American serial killer best known as “The Night Stalker” (June 7th)
- Mark Starr, 50 - American professional wrestler best known as a jobber in WCW (June 7th)
- Esther Williams, 91 - American actress and swimmer (June 6th)
- Deacon Jones, 74 - American Hall of Fame football player best known for coining the term “quarterback sack” (June 3rd)
- Jean Stapleton, 90 - American actress best known for All in the Family (May 31st)
A Sign The End is Upon Us… the Arrival of the Kimye
Yes, Crazy Ralph. We are doomed. On June 15th at around 3PM EST, the skies grew dark, the air grew still, and an eerie calm came upon us all. It was at that very moment when the spawn of ego, delusional self-worth, and fame for no reason emerged from the hairy, spray-tanned, gapping cavern where they filmed The Descent. The lovechild of fame whore Kim Kardashian and moronic rapper Kanye West - the Kimye - was born.
The attention the spawn of these two wicked, evil, famous-for-nothing monsters will receive over the duration of its life will surely lead to mass suicides, psychotic events, and the loss of millions of lives as the human race finally reaches its breaking point. Crazy Ralph is right: The Kimye has doomed us all.
May God have mercy on our souls.
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